Monday, May 7, 2012

First Monday Critique!

In order to get the ball rolling with these critiques my loverly boyfriend is kindly allowing me to critique a bit of his work. Isn't he great? This is an excerpt from the piece he has been working on during our word wars. Lets dive in, shall we? :)

“It’s beautiful…” The male of the two assistants left his mouth open after the quiet statement. It was not a misplaced one; the jewel looked as if it did not beyond (belong?) to this world. This thought that echoed around inside of the three human’s heads was not entirely wrong. Great job of catching my attention from the beginning. The paragraph does feel a bit awkward though. It was not entirely wrong to believe it was beautiful? And referring to them specifically as humans gives an alien feel the the narration - though maybe this is what you were going for?:)
 As the blue eyed woman traced a finger over the center (center of what?), a section of the wall behind the jewel’s pedestal rumbled. It cracked and shivered. Dust that had gathered for longer than mankind could count fell. <--Love this sentence! An opening became visible and grew wider. Another faint blue glow (was the first one prior to this excerpt? if so, love it! if not, add one!) shot out toward the three and filled their eyes. The floor shifted their stance as it quaked slightly beneath them. The blue-eyed woman walked toward the hidden compartment fearlessly and examined its contents.
 “What do you think Thomas?” she asked without looking away.
 Thomas glanced over at the other woman then back forward. “They…” He paused. They were very odd in design (how so? we can't see what your character see. show us the gloves!) but seemed to have a familiar purpose to a pair of objects that he was wearing himself. “They seem to be the gloves, Mrs. Hawkins.” "a familiar purpose to a pair of objects that he was wearing himself" makes it sound like his own gloves are strange to him. I get that you're trying to keep it a mystery a bit longer, just maybe find a different way to do so.
 The end of his comment received a minor shiver in Mrs. Hawkins. “Doctor, Doctor Hawkins,” came from behind her. Love this dialogue!
 “That’s better, Thom. And good assumption.” The doctor began to trace her fingers along a pattern on the back of the right glove. A frown accompanied the action. “Do you have any ideas, Annabell?”
 The younger woman with them took a few of the stairs up to the pedestal to get a closer look. “Yes I have, Doctor.” Hawkins smiled. “They seem to be some kind of device that houses the Sapphira Fiore. The purpose of them is unknown but they do seem to be the design that is in our documents. There is no technology today that resembles it.” How do they know that if they don't know what they do? Based on the design? Again give more description of what it is we are dealing with. What makes them so strange? The younger colleague looked satisfyingly toward her mentor.
 “Is that all, Ms. Hargrove?”
 Annabell blinked her eyes multiple times in succession. Her surprise at the question was obvious, even to Thomas. “Is there more?” she asked in earnest.
 The man attempted to stifle a grin and failed miserably. In all of his twenty-three years, he had never had the opportunity to one-up someone. Good character moment. Most especially an individual such as Annabell. “Yes, Ma’am. It is true that the device looks nothing like any current technothhh, ah!” He had gotten ahead of himself and bit his tongue. Haha and an even better character moment. Love it! Awkward moments rock. He immediately looked at the ground and wiped his mouth. A sigh and bootsteps clacking made him wince.
 Scarlet Hawkins put her hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, Thom. Go ahead and look at them closer.” She saw his face light up and her face got a little lighter. He was brilliant but got too ahead of himself whenever he was not beating himself up.
 Thomas walked gingerly up to the gloves and began to inspect the symbols around them. “There isn’t anything like this technology today. That is true. But there have been pictures of the gloves accompanying some of the lore of the Sapphira Fiore. Including these symbols…” DUN DUN DUN!

Overall it is a great start to a piece I look forward to reading more of. My biggest piece of advice would be a bit more description. (This is very hypocritical of me considering I think something I said to him is probably why he didn't describe as much - haha). Most specifically what about the gloves is so strange?
I love the characters you are developing and I'm definitely interested in the story you are setting up. Overall it is really good:)

Disagree with me about something? Have something to add? Further critiques are welcomed in the comment section!

If you would be interested in getting some feedback on your own work please do not hesitate to e-mail me! I only ask that you read my critique guidelines before doing so.

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